Before I started this website, I use to blog over at blogspot. I was recently reading some older posts there and thought I would re-post them here. Lately, I've known some people and heard of others who have miscarried and my heart goes out to them. I understand some of the grief that they are going through, and the only consolation and advice I can give them is to trust God. God is the one who is in control of life, and He knows best even when we don't understand why things happen.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Difficult Times
The past few months have been very difficult for me as well as the family. My health has not been up to par, and as a result, I have sufferred mentally, emotionally, and physically. Spiritually, however I know that God is in control, and He will take care of me.
In July, I started having some symptoms from my Mitral Valve Prolapse. This syndrome (or whatever you call it) can be very nasty to deal with. I choose not to take medication for it (tried that and didn't work for me), so I try hard to do things to keep the MVP symptoms at bay. Most of the time, it's pretty simple to do. I drink LOTS of water, exercise (well...maybe not the best at that), and stay away from caffeine and large amounts of sugar. Another major trigger can be stress. Although that's impossible to avoid all together, I have found things that work to help reduce or at least deal with stress. But, this summer, I found myself in a downward spiral of trying to cope with the symptoms. This time around I was fighting against fatigue, dizziness, depression, and panic/anxiety attacks. The panic attacks were the worst I had ever had. It was very scary. I felt like I was going crazy. I didn't understand everything that was going on with my body.
During all this, I had already decided that I was going to have to stop nursing our baby (who at the time was about 7 months old). I was hoping to continue through her first year, but my body was not able to keep up with her, and I was physically and emotionally drained. Shortly after I made the decision to wean her, and at the point when my MVP symptoms seemed the worst, I learned I was pregnant.
Wow! This changed everything. Suddenly, I found myself excited, and the pregnancy actually helped me to feel better. It helped explain why I was having difficulty feeding the baby. My body was experiencing a lot of changes. I didn't have any more panic attacks and the depression faded because I was focused on the miracle that God was making inside me.
The latter of September, when I would have been nearly 11 weeks in the preganancy, we learned that I had miscarried and scheduled a D&C at the hospital a few days later. This was one of the hardest things I've ever experienced. Since then, my body is trying to learn what normal is again. This has been very hard physically. The side effects from the medical procedure have been horrible, and the hormones are wreaking havoc upon my body and mind.
I don't know why I'm blogging about this. Maybe this is therapy for me. Although everything is turned upside down right now, there's a work that God is doing in our lives. This side of the story may seem gloom, but I have another post coming soon that you don't want to miss. Yes, for now my house is messy, my children are not behaving like normal, my husband is having to be "mom," home-cooked meals aren't happenning much at all, I don't have the energy to be productive in the affairs of taking care of my home/family like I should, my body feels awful, I'm grieving, and my brain can barely focus to remember things, think things through, or even understand all that someone is telling me. But, I know these days will pass, and I'm trusting God.
So, look for my upcoming post "Trusting God."
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Trusting God
In an earlier post, "Difficult Times," I shared about how the last few months have been a struggle dealing with my health, the short pregnancy, and miscarriage. Today, I'd like to share how God is so awesome!
The last week in August, my husband and I went to the doctor and confirmed what we already knew. I was pregnant with our fourth child. During the ultrasound, we saw our little "peanut" and heard it's healthy heartbeat. The baby measured 6 weeks and 3 days. Everything seemed normal. While I was laying on the table, though, God and I were having a conversation. His spirit gently asked me, "Genna, do you trust me?" "Yes, Lord. I trust You," I replied in my heart. He asked me again, "Genna, do you trust me?" Again, I replied, "Yes, Lord. I trust You." This continued repeatedly, but I didn't understand why. It reminded me of when Jesus repeatedly asked Peter, "Do you love me?" When God was asking me each time, He was gentle. He was kind. I shared this with my husband on the way home, but we didn't talk about it after that until a month later.
Fast forward to the end of September. I started having some complications, and although my next doctor appointment was only a few days away, I knew I didn't need to wait. I called and they told me to come on in. My husband went with me. We remembered what God had asked me. They did another ultrasound, and this time there was no heartbeat. The baby still measured 6 weeks and 3 days. This means that God took our baby only moments after the first ultrasound when He was asking for my trust.
So, how is God so awesome? He knew that He was going to take my baby only moments after the first healthy ultrasound. He was gentle and kind towards me; He wanted me to trust Him.
And just another token of goodness to share.....the pregnancy was prophesied by an innocent little 2 year old - our daughter Emily. The week that the baby was probably conceived without our knowing, Emily kept saying the name Eli Bain over and over. I asked her, "Who is Eli Bain?" She said, "Mommy, Daddy's."
I believe that both the pregnancy and the miscarriage was all in God's will. I don't understand why, but "why" doesn't really matter when I trust in the ONE who knows best. Our family is trusting God.